Tanking for Dummies


Wipe Blame: The Tank List
October 30, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Lists, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , ,

Allow me to rise to Amber’s challenge to match her “Blame Table“.  Just for tanks.

Or, perhaps, I should simply call it my list of “why every wipe is secretly the tank’s fault.”

1st Cause of the Wipe: Tank lost agro

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • The tank forgot to get back into Defensive Stance/Frost Presence, etc.
  • The tank is in their DPS spec.
  • The tank is dead (this, contrary to some rumors, always causes agro wipe).
  • The tank’s claw-like appendage sometimes called a hand has finally dropped off due to excessive heroic strike spam.

2nd Cause of Wipe: Tank is dead

Reasons why this is the tanks fault:

  • Forgot to use the right cooldown.
  • Used the right cooldown, but a the wrong time.
  • Used the right cooldown, at the right time, but was fighting Gormok the Impaler.
  • Attempted to start a land war in Asia.

3rd Cause of Wipe: Ignoring the tank to 1-shot squishes

Reason why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Didn’t open with shield slam.
  • There is no hit gear in ToC.
  • Tank is dead.
  • Prudery is no excuse for not humping the boss before it becomes active.

4th cause of Wipe: Healer is dead

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • The only thing between the healer and death is the tank.
  • The only thing between the tank and death is the healer.
  • We live in fear of the healer mafia.

5th cause of Wipe: The adds are killing everyone

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Didn’t play a Paladin.
  • Didn’t play a Death Knight.
  • Didn’t Vigilance the Mage.
  • The tank is dead.

6th cause of Wipe: DPS is too low

Reasons this is the tank’s fault:

  • Not enough threat.
  • Didn’t Vigilance the Mage.
  • Tank is Dead.
  • Didn’t swap to Berserker stance and start execute spam.

7th Cause of Wipe: Ignorance

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Assumed everyone had read the strat/watched the video on TankSpot/remembered to keep up to date on their Tanking for Dummies feed.
  • Missed the tanking assignments because they were tabbed out playing browser games.
  • “Close your eyes and think of England” is not a sufficient strat summary.

Don’t despair my fellow Tanks, just remember –  even if it is always your fault it’s not like anyone else can take the hits and maintain a stunning 31 Intellect.  That’s what we call job security.


13 Comments so far
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I was tanking Gormak the Impaler in ToGC 25, I was taking the final impale of my rotation, and had the sad misfortune of being reduced from 52k health to dead in .46 seconds despite having pain suppression. The entire raid was baffled. The only time I’d died that fast before was when Algalon enraged on us and hit me so hard that he bypassed ardent defender entirely.

Comment by The Renaissance Man

The healer…mafia?

…I approve.

Comment by Ambrosyne

[...] ETA: Don’t forget to check out another version here. [...]

Pingback by How to PROPERLY Place Blame « I Like Bubbles

+1 on Gormok, TOC25, 3 tank rotation, I was pulling.
Pull goes fine, tank 2 does fine, tank 3 does fine.
Shield Wall, taunt, ok guys shield wall is about to expire cast pa…. nevermind.

Interesting side note, Gormok hits faster than recount can parse sometimes. I went from 100% to dead in 40k health (.4 seconds) according to recount. Needless to say, there is a mathematical problem with that.

Comment by Kobeathris

“Used the right cooldown, at the right time, but was fighting Gormok the Impaler.”
I don’t get it :/

Comment by Pazi

You can use your best cooldown (say, shield wall), and Gormok can hit you hard enough and fast enough that you will still die like a chump.

Comment by Tarsus

TOC25 Gormok the Impaler, I take him first. OT taunts him, my impales wear off, I taunt him back, we’re in a pug but using vent, so i call for a taunt as i get my 3rd stack. no taunt, 4th stack, no taunt, 5th stack, use shield wall, 6th stack, use last stand, 7th stack, dps warrior uses disarm RL yells why isn’t the other tank taunting, other tank says shyly over vent, I dc’d and can’t get back on.. 8th stack, I use my disarm we kill gormok while I have 9 stacks, the bubble me to clear the impale, i tank BOTH worms through the first burrow, then other tank gets back in and we tank it normally for a one burrow, then one dies and the enraged worm kills me! lol… other tank/healers/dps take down the worm and kill the last beast. conclusion:beasts of northrend can basically be tanked by one tank. either that or we had awesomesauce healers that night!

Comment by motobu

I can tell by your description that you’re dealing with Normal Gormok 25. I agree that it is entirely plausible to do it with one tank.

My experience referenced in the jest above is for Heroic Gormok. It originally read as such, but I decided that no-one would seriously believe I was speaking of normal. I now stand corrected.

Comment by Tarsus

For the people who don’t quite understand just what Heroic Gormak is capable of, check this out.

http://blessingofkings.blogspot.com/2009/09/thousand-words-on-healing-in-raids.html

Comment by The Renaissance Man

The list seems about right, but you missed the ever popular “The tank was outside the instance when someone pulled the boss”

Technically, it wouldn’t be a wipe because the tank doesn’t die, but its still our fault :)

Comment by Kudos

Land war in Asia….

priceless.

Comment by rustbeard

I will say this once.

THERE is NO healer mafia! Capiche?

*Gives Tarsus an uncomfortably long kiss of deaht*

(Don’t tell jov)

Comment by Nicoran

[...] Tarsus explains why we should always blame the tanks and gives a reason for just about every situation. [...]

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