Oh Bear! Though thy bottom is great in size
And thy avoidance gimped in Icecrown raids;
You have a character that is a prize
With An aspect that never truly fades.
‘Tis not thy health – though ’tis matched by no one.
‘Tis not thy mitigation – though quite nice.
‘Tis not thy dance – if amusing and fun.
‘Tis not thy gear – no plate to sacrifice.
In Kitty form you’re of the highest rank,
The time to see you’re the best half-a-tank.
Props to all those bears out there – your ability to swap from DPS to Tank to DPS in the middle of a fight continues to amaze me.
Do you suffer from bouts of extreme anger?
Does your red meter feel bloated or full?
Does your usual regimen of Devastate or Shield Slam just not do it for you anymore?
If any of these symptoms describes you, or you have ever felt the sudden urge to crush the cell phone you have bought for your significant other*, you may suffer from a common Warrior condition known as WTMR°. The causes for this condition vary, from glyphs to spec, to traumatic brain injury. But no matter the cause of your WTMR, there is hope.
My name is Dr. Tarsus Grimtotem, and though I am not an actual doctor I play one on Television. Actually, no, I don’t even play one on television, I am just wearing a white lab coat and appear trustworthy. Either way, I am totally qualified to inform you about an exciting new treatment for WTMR: Heroicstrikacin¹. Unlike other available treatments for WTMR, Heroicstrikacin doesn’t eat your global cooldown, so you will be ready for that taunt whenever the opportunity arises. Better yet, Heroicstrikacin doesn’t require a prescription, meaning you can use it whenever the need arises. It contains no harsh chemicals, and relies solely on wholesome natural processes to relieve your WTMR. In clinical trials, Heroicstrikacin was show to reduce WTMR by up to 100%. You can try Heroicstrikacin for free for up to 10 days by visiting this website.
You should not use Heroicstrikacin in low rage environments to avoid having dead healers. Side effects include mood swings, inability to use other tanking abilities, and painful debilitating hand injuries. Should you experience any of these effects under the influence of Heroicstrikacin, you should immediately seek medical attention.
If you cannot afford your medications, Blizzard Pharmaceuticals may be able to help. Actually, no they won’t, but we can always hope they will pay for your subscription. Er. Prescription.
* Observed in clinical testing.
° Way Too Much Rage
¹ Generic Name: Heroic Strike
You are real! You are real! I told all the other raiders but they didn’t believe me. They said you were just Thrall all dressed up in a suit. But I knew better. Just because he can be in multiple places at once doesn’t mean he is the one that brings presents to all the good warriors of the Horde. I kept the faith! We sure showed them!
In any case, seeing as you have already made one wish come true, I was hoping, maybe, possibly, you might do another one? I’ve been really really good! All the naughty blood elves always poke fun at me with their bad hamburger jokes, but even though I really wanted to I didn’t war stomp even one! I even volunteered to DPS when we needed it. I even slaughtered Varian Wrynn this year! Plus, it’s something so teeny that your phenomenal cosmic powers should be able to totally do it easily.
All I want for winter’s vale is a brand new, shiny, Overlord Varok Saurfang Edition Mechano-Hog with the Arctic Fur seats and Elementium Plated Exhaust Pipe! I’ve wanted one ever since I came to Northrend, but I’m just a poor little meat-shield that spends all his money on consumables and repair costs for raids. Since you already gave Joveta a whole patch I’m sure this won’t be too much to ask, will it? I mean I can understand that your busy this time of year, but you have elves and goblins and stuff to make things like that. Right?
Oh, and I have attached a picture of a Christmas Cookie for you. It’s the one that I’ve been saving to give you, and I totally will when you come to Orgrimmar this year.
Very Best Happy Holidays,
Tarsus Grimtotem
PS: Don’t pay attention to what Jov says. Sausages are delicious. You should be careful though about the Goblin ones. Sometimes they explode.
No doubt you have heard of the wonder that is the accidental pull. Contrary to popular depiction this exciting new sport is a healthy alternative to the boring and stifling organized pull. Moreover, clinical studies have been found to show that the sudden rush of adrenaline and heart-rate makes for great cardio, the foundation of any good workout. Best yet, you will be easily able to tell the lions from the lolcats in your raid with a few quick clicks of your mouse.
But wait, there’s more!
I personally thing that the new Tier 10 looks awesome. As far as the texturing goes, it probably looks more like actual armor than most of the tier sets. There are some things I am sure we could quibble about, the fact that once again the Horde (red) version looks infinitely cooler than the Alliance version (blue). I just have one small, teensy problem.
I’m going to have to be correcting people about the animal on the shoulders.
It’s not a pig. It’s a boar.
You might want to practice saying it in the mirror, because it would seem that you’re going to be saying it for some time to come – or something like it. Apparently Blizzard has this crazy idea that Warriors should not have animals on their shoulders that could be un-ambiguously wild. First it was the Sheep/Goat/Ram thing. Now we have the Pig/Boar thing. What are we doing here? Putting on a production of Animal Farm? Seriously folks.
Druids? Nothing ambiguous about stags or moose.
Shamans? Nothing ambiguous about wolves.
Hunters? Nothing ambiguous about anything. Remember the giant blinking eyes on their shoulders?
But Warriors? We can’t even get a predator on our shoulders, let alone something that’s unabashedly un-domesticated.
So here’s some future inspiration Blizzard: How about something that makes us look like a Bear? Hell, even a badger would be preferably unambiguous, if probably stupid looking considering who is designing it. Or, you know what, how about no animals what-so-ever. History is replete with awesome looking examples of plate armor that have no animal symbolism.
I’m not picky, my blue worded friends. All I want is armor that doesn’t leave me open to ridicule. They have focus groups for this, but I’m sure if you just asked Ratshag he would be happy to inform you that there’s a pig on the shoulders. What can I say? The orc has taste.
I suppose at least I don’t have to worry about Saurfang eating me. Not that I wouldn’t wipe ten thousand times over just to have a chance to fight by the side of the greatest warrior who ever lived.
Oh wait. I do.
Man I love being Horde. Sometimes you really need pity the Alliance. You all miss so much awesome, it’s not even funny.
By blog standards, I must run the cleanest operation on the World Wide Web. We’re very close to the 9-Month mark here in the life of “Tanking for Dummies.” In all that time, not even one dirty, lewd or suggestive search term has popped up on my blog statistics. Getting these little nuggets of comedy is practically a badge of honor. Writing about them could be seen as the mark of being a “real blogger.” But not me, no, no tiny tweets of titillation have seen fit to include this site.
Well, that was, until Monday.
There was no ambiguity about it. Some mysterious and lonely net denizen was looking to sate their desires with some World of Warcraft related materials. What road of hedonistic desire brought them here, you might ask? What method of lecherous inquiry?
Filed under: Humor | Tags: fury, lore jokes, titan's grip, Varian Wrynn
That I have a deep loathing for Varian Wrynn is no great secret. He fails at statecraft. He fails at logic. He fails at killing Garrosh Hellscream when he had the chance to spare the Horde from a terrible fate.
Then, see, I got to looking real close and I realized that not only is he a FailKing, he’s a FailWarrior.
I present to you, exhibit A:
Notice something particularly queer about those blades? Oh, yes, they’re one handed swords. Yo, Varian. I hate to break it to you, but even if those things are friggin’ legendary, you’re missing the blessing of Titan’s Grip – you know the part where you wield two giant two-handed weapons for insane DPS.
So, what did the King of Stormwind get in exchange for this error in assigning talent points? Apparently he talked some Blizzard developer to let him keep Heroic Leap from the beta instead. Yeah, I know, I was kind underwhelmed as well. Don’t get me wrong, it was cool while it lasted, but like most fail-specs, you’ve given up a seriously important ability for something gimmicky.
I’m sure I can see a few of you among the Alliance who are nodding their heads. You knew all along that someone wasn’t pulling their weight in the group. Well, now you know. Some rogues could have probably made pretty good use of those swords too. I suppose this is what happens when you give Jaina master looter privileges.
I’m sure your litany of complaints must be long, warriors of the Alliance. He never puts up Demo Shout. No Rampage either. And now this. It’s almost like the only thing he brings to your team is his chin. You have my sympathies. Fortunately, we in the Horde have your back. We’ll kill him again and again for you.
You just have to promise the same when it’s Garrosh’s turn. Deal?
