Tanking for Dummies

Why for Dummies?
February 8, 2009, 11:59 pm
Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , ,

Choosing what to write a blog is fairly simple: write what you know.  I know about Warrior Tanking; distinguished from druid tanking, paladin tanking, or even Death Knight tanking.  I have tanked as a warrior practically since there was a World of Warcraft, so this was a no brainier.  I felt the bug, but determined I wouldn’t take anything public unless I could draft out 20 entries.  That was done in short order.

Choosing a title for a blog on the other hand can be difficult.  I had blog-posts, but no title.  A title needs to be catchy, and say a little bit of everything about your blog.  There is no ambiguity about, say, World of Matticus.  But I wasn’t about to rip off Matt and call this thing “World of Tarsus.”

icon.jpgFortunately, I had an idea, a synergy between concept (Self-Help/Advice Blog) and humorous anecdote.  Warriors, you see, have the lowest Intellect score in the game.  I suspect this comes from all of the brain damage we get from taking it to the face all the time.  Regardless the reason, this has always resulted in some amount of ribbing.  Nothing personal – right?  It’s not like we haven’t had the stereotype of the Big Dumb Fighter since the dawn of fantasy gaming.

Well, not exactly.  I have a problem, you see, with counting adds.  As in the number of adds that are coming when I pull.  Imagine, if you will, the following two scenarios:

Cast of Characters:

Tarsus, the lovable if buffoonish warrior with a deficiency in basic arithmetic.

Joveta, the beautiful and long suffering priest who follows Tarsus and saves him when he gets over his head.

Siol, the occasional companion of the above and hunter, with her Menagerie.

Zombies, the constant and unceasing foes of the above.

Act I: Stratholme

Enter, stage right, TARSUS, JOVETA, and SIOL and her MENAGERIE.  The city burns around them.  Sounds of the UNDEAD emit from the left.

SIOL: You know, this city is always burning.  Why hasn’t it burned to the ground yet?

JOVETA: I hear that it burns as long as there is a Piccalo of the Flaming Fire still in someone’s inventory.  Some crimes haunt the world as long as someone remembers.

SIOL: Well, I hope we will be done here soon.  Lotan is getting petulant.

SIOL pets a member of her MENAGERIE – a pompous and arrogant appearing wind serpent.

TARSUS: Well then! Might as well get started!  Looks like a large group ahead, maybe six in this pull.

TARSUS produces a GUN and fires off stage left.  There are ZOMBIE NOISES.

One lonely ZOMBIE enters, stage left.

ZOMBIE: Murrr…. Brains!

SIOL shoots ZOMBIE with a BOW.  ZOMBIE is slain.

JOVETA: laughter

SIOL: Why don’t you just let me pull?

Act II: Dire Maul West

Enter stage left TARSUS, JOVETA, and SIOL and her MENAGERIE.  The large dim room is suffused with strange mystal lights.  There are columns in the distance.

JOVETA: I hate everything in here, I need to drink after every pull because I’m out of mana.  All of this Morning Glory Dew is making me feel really bloated – couldn’t we have brought a mage or something?

SIOL: Your DPS preference makes Mr. Pinchy very sad.

An irritable and spoiled lobster in the MENAGERIE makes a menacing gesture towards JOVETA.

TARSUS: You know, he might be less sad if you boiled him with bay seasoning.

SIOL growls at TARSUS.

TARSUS: Ooookay.  I’m just hungry is all.  Let’s get started, shall we?

TARSUS produces a GUN.

TARSUS: I think I can pick off maybe one or two here…

TARSUS fires the GUN off stage right.  Six LARGE ANGRY ELEMENTALS charge in from stage right.  There is an OVERWROUGHT AND LENGTHY MELEE leaving all battered and bruised.

JOVETA sits down and drinks.

JOVETA: irritated grumbles

SIOL: Why don’t you just let me pull?


I won’t say that this dramatization is precisely what happened on multiple occasions, but it is sufficiently accurate to say that I have a substantive problem when it comes to what we like to call “Warrior Math.”  Said “Math” has been the cause of many painful moments and a few wipes over the years, and continues to this day.  So it should not be at all surprising that, when it comes down to it, there is something to suggest that my warriors need a little help.

And so, I spend an inordinate amount of time perusing blogs, ElitistJerks, and other assorted websites attempting to be less of a stupid tank.  The results of my failures, experiments, and research I will post here at Tanking for Dummies.  Where we learn from our failures, so you don’t have to.  Or, perhaps, where we fail so you don’t have to.  Or… nevermind.  I think you get it.

Thanks for reading.


24 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I needed this laugh. Thank you kindly for the snickers!

Comment by Grimtorn

@Grimtorn – Creating a first post was something of a challenge. Glad you liked it.

Comment by Tarsus

“One lonely ZOMBIE enters, stage left.” /snicker

So, here I am, the lonely little priest wanting to be a warrior, ready to learn how not to be a stupid tank.

Comment by Anea

@ Anea – The first thing, as I have come to understand from years of dedication, is learn how to count.

Or, in the most recent expansion, simply depend on your overwhelming AoE threat capacity and carry around a stack of water for your healer.

Comment by Tarsus

Never happened, eh? Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Comment by Jov

@Jov – Totally. I deny all knowledge.

If I knew the “Warrior Math” thing would haunt me this long, I might have embraced my lack of Intellect earlier.

Comment by Tarsus

Somehow I get the feeling this blog just isn’t going to be quite like the ones we’re used to ;)

Good luck, bud!

Comment by Veneretio

@Veneretio – I hope I can deliver to your satisfaction! Or at least amuse you when I feebly attempt to disagree with you in public for the first time.

Comment by Tarsus

Woo, you have a blog now. Welcome to the fold, looking forward to stopping by a lot. :)

Comment by Kadomi

@ Kadomi – I’ll try to give you a reason to stop by. Current update target is 3 times a week – we’ll see if I can maintain that.

Comment by Tarsus

I still remember with fondness the days in which my platerogue’s ret-paladin pants from Blackwing Lair and +stats to chest enchant made her a GENIUS among warriors by nearly doubling her base intellect score :)

Warrior math indeed ;)

Comment by Yuki

@ Yuki – I seem to remember we called them “Smarty-Pants” for a reason.

Comment by Tarsus

Hehe, thanks for the giggle, Tars. Good luck with the blogging!

Comment by Dae

I remember smarty pants + stats to chest + Arcane Brilliance = Yuki does Calculus.

Comment by Jov

When the buffs wear off I can’t do math :(

Comment by Yuki

My first trip to Scholomance went something like this. I was standing on the bridge in the first room before the grating had been opened. I looked over the edge, spit, pulled something explosive out of my bag, lit it, threw it over and laughed. I like when things go boom.
Needless to say, right as the rest of the group showed up, just about every mob in the instance came pouring through the grate and destroyed us. I wasn’t the most popular right then :)
Great first post! I’ll definitely be checking in often.

Comment by BillyWallace

@Billy – I’ve been working on a “catastrophic wipes caused by Charge mechanics” post. Maybe I should look into other things as well. Like dynamite and landmines.

Comment by Tarsus

Great start! Looking forward to reading what you find out there on the web.

Make sure you keep on having fun doing this too!

Comment by TGAPGeorge

Ohhhh…. I just stumbled across this site and will definatly be coming back for more.

But you know what they say, “ignorance is bliss” Us dumb warriors are the happiest toons in WoW :)

Comment by Kudos

Just found your site from Blog Azeroth! As a fellow Tauren meatshield (beefshield?) who also has a problem with Warrior Math, I think I’m going to feel right at home…

Comment by Lewis

@ Lewis – Meatshield is certainly the most traditional. As a tauren tank, however, I tend to think of myself as more of canned beef.

Comment by Tarsus

I gotta say, if you’re going to say that warriors take a few blows to the head, the reminder must be made that bears tank with their face.

Comment by Kelarr

@Kelarr – Dear sir, I have tanked with a bear a many a time but I can assure you that despite rumors to the contrary, they do not tank with the head – but with the butt.

This is of little surprise, really, when you consider the size. >.>

Comment by Tarsus

Hey Tarsus,

I’m building an index of WoW information and I’ve recently added 2 links to Tanking for Dummies. Each ‘Listing’ has a link, summary, user rating, as well as spaces for full description and images which are available to website owners.

The initial rating is a default and doesn’t reflect any actual review of the site.

You can see a search page of your listings here to get an idea of how the site works:

This may be an incomplete list of links for your site. For instance I don’t scan through the archives of a blog and generally just follow front page links and often times, but not always, subject tags.

Forums are now open and have threads for posting additional link requests for new content, or changes and error fixes in existing listings. You can also email me personally if you have new content you would like listed. Feel free to make my email available to staff but direct users to the forums please.

Though WoW-j has a large and useful amount of information already, it is still young and growing daily. It’s future is very much open to discussion or suggestion and any feedback is really appreciated.

Good Luck and Thanks,
Rich ‘Lasitus’

Comment by 'Lasitus'

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