Tanking for Dummies


Tank for Success… with more Goat!
March 6, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Lists | Tags: , , ,

goat

Despite this being the Year of the Tauren, it is now clear that Blizzards has claimed the sacrificial lamb goat as the metaphorical totem animal of warriors.  This may confuse those of you who are unfamiliar with our horned friends.  I too was ignorant until I took a brief moment with the internet to uncover these important revelations of why our blue texted overlords chose to bless us with this most unusual of animals!

  1. Goats establish dominance in their herds by butting heads. This can serve as a model for identifying the main tank of your raid.  Assure your friendly fellow tanks, those Paladins, Death Knights, and Druids, that this is a perfectly harmless activity that will sort out all those pesky questions about who tanks what.  It won’t hurt them to loose a few brain cells anyway – what harm has it done to you?
  2. Goats are  leading source of dairy products and produce between 2-3 quarts of milk per day. It is appropriate then that warriors should now carry sufficient cheese and milk products with them in case their traveling companions should become hungry.  Be careful, however, as certain gnomes are known to fancy dairy products for their suspected properties as an aphrodisiac.
  3. Wattles are the name for the beard-like tuft of fur that hangs off of a goat’s chin. Not all goats have Wattles, but it might serve to distinguish warriors if we were to all adopt goatees.  This might be something of a problem for those of us who have trouble growing facial hair, but I have heard certain applications of gnomish engineering have produced suitable results.
  4. Goats have an important dietary role going back thousands of years. Goats were considered Kosher and often slaughtered for honored guests; an important fact to consider next time you die because of the actions of puggers in your party.  Instead of  getting angry, reflect on this as your part in a long goat tradition.
  5. Goats are one of the animals in the Chinese Zodiac. Consider that goats are reportedly known for being shy, introverted, creative, and perfectionist.  If you’re not already passive aggressive, now may be the time to seize your inner goat by the horns and ride.
  6. And Lastly, Goats are traditionally associated with sex and devil worship in Western Culture. This widely known fact will easily explain why the new four piece set bonus for Warrior Tier 8 will be a random proc that will transform you into a giant goat-headed sex god/goddess who will lead your raids in a Maenad-like mad drunken pillage of Ulduar shouting “Ia Ia Yog-Saron!”

So, in anticipation of the comming sheep jokes, strut those shoulders and proclain loudly and proudly your goat status with these helpful tips.

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9 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Awesome :) And then there’s scapegoats …

Comment by spinks

@ spinks – when in doubt, always blame the tank.

No, wait, that seems like a horrible idea.

Comment by Tarsus

See, you learn something every day. (I didn’t know that goats were considered Kosher.)

Plus, now I am armed with 6 great reasons why my goat will rock the goat armor! (Eventually. One day. Maybe.) But it’ll sure make me look at every other warrior’s Tier 8 in a different light. :)

Comment by Anea

I need to see how it looks on a Dwarf. I have high hopes.

Comment by Yakra

@ Anea – I will have my /headbutt macro ready. Hopefully I’ll have the helm by then for added humor.

@ Yakra – I’m thinking something like this.

Comment by Tarsus

BBbbbaaaaaaaaa!

-My new warcry

Comment by BillyWallace

I don’t know how it will actually look on a dwarf, but I’d be careful wearing it around Ironforge regardless of race.

Bloody scottsmen.

Comment by Yuki

@ Billy – I think I’m going yo stick with /moo. Long live the cow king!

@ Yuki – That, on the otherhand, is worth a /baa. /followed by /flee.

Comment by Tarsus

Just stay away from any New Zealanders….not telling what they might do if they mistake you for a sheep 0_0

Comment by Darraxus




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