Tanking for Dummies

Wanted – More Shields!
April 13, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Rants | Tags: , ,


I don’t think I could ever love tanking on a Death Knight or a Druid in the same way I love tanking on my Warrior, and the reason is simple: I love shields.

I loved shields before 300 demonstrated to the world that shields are awesome.  It’s not just an implement of protection, it’s dangerous weapon.  The first time that someone strapped a block of wood or stretched hide to their arm for added defense was also the first time that someone smacked someone in the face with it.  Let’s be honest here – there is something just fantastic about that image that is almost as timeless as the idea of the Warrior.

I want to know why we don’t see it more.

I know why this is.  Somewhere along the line, shields lost their appeal.  I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when that happened.  I mean, we had Rygar – which was pretty darn awesome.  Hell, we had Captain Fucking America.  But something was creeping in around the edges, something that would seize gamers by the balls in a vice like grip and not let go.

It came from Japan

I am, of course, referring to this bastard right here.  Cloud is a kind of vat of moral turpitude in the proud warrior tradition.  I mean look at him:  The blank emotionless expression.  The stick figure physique.  The hair.  The sword.  Do I need to explain this?  A confident guy doesn’t carry around a sword like that.  It’s like a big placard that just screams “I have no penis.”  I’m sure that SOLDIER would have had far fewer recruits if they had disclosed that the “enhancements” they were giving had this bizarre side effect of giving people Erectile Dysfunction.

But for some goddamn reason, everyone was like, “But the sword is so cool!”  Maybe it’s because when you’re twelve you feel like you have no penis (save when it is taking trying to take over your brain), and therefore that makes it somehow sensible.  I’m not sure how to say this, but… the Cloud sword sucked. It’s subsequent renditions have also sucked.  They make no damn sense as anyone stuck wielding one of these things would get their ass kicked so hard it wouldn’t be funny because they’re just too damn big to use.

It came from Menzerberanzen  and France.

If it wasn’t bad enough to have the giant ass sword, someone decided that it would be a fantastic idea to run around with a sword in each hand.  This follows a kind of perverse logic, “if one is good, then two is awesome.”  We’ll be all swashbuckling like Dartanian and get our emo drow on like Drizzit “I can’t kill the goddamn bunny because I’m a pacifist” D’Orden.  You have to wonder what would have happened if someone had clocked Dartanian in the gob with Hoplite shield.  Two weapons?  I can attack with both hands!  Weapon and Shield?  I can (wait for it…) attack with both fucking hands!  Parrying is fine and dandy too, but I’m sorry, your Main gauche doesn’t got anything on a good shield.

Titan’s Grip = Kick in the Balls

And then some bright son-of-a-gun decided to combine these two fallicies into one giant middle finger.  “Fuck you shields!” They said.  “We’re totally tripping now!”  This is what too much Anime and Drow fanboys do to games.  This is the reason we can’t have nice things anymore.

“But it’s so cool!” you might say.  “I have can wield two Armegeddon’s now!” you might say.

Give me a break.  Put that thing back in the chest where you found it, you’ll break your arms off.  Or put an eye out or something.


You want a real weapon?  Pick up the goddamn shield.  Feel the heft of it, the weight of it on your arm.  There’s some history in that thing.  Can you hear it?  Listen closely!  You might here some long dead Spartan instructing you: “Come home with your shield… Or on it!”

Not in Kansas anymore, are we?

Philip of Macedon (you know, Alexander the Great’s Dad?) put off an invasion just at the thought of having to spar with the shield guys.  The Romans conquered half the known world because they understand something important about using shields.  The only thing that stopped the shield in the end was the gun – and I’m sorry to report that all the Titan’s Grip in the world isn’t going to save you from an AK-47.

So here is my question… where is my damn DPS shield spec?  You know, the one where I wield a pole arm in one hand and a shield in the other, screaming like a bat out of hell?  “How do you like that giant ass sword now you dickless son of a drow?!”

/Shield Slam to the Face!


7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Preach it, my brother, PREACH IT! I love being on a raid and landing a 7k+ Shield Slam crit on something. The sound and the animation are perfect on a male Tauren…it looks like whatever you hit should be flying backward across the room.

Comment by Lewis

Shields > all. Each SS crit (my current record is 9336) makes me squee. It’s all vain thinking, but if Blizzard ever decided to honor prot warrior bloggers with a named item, it should be a shield. Kadomi’s Banner of the Frostwolf. Damn straight.

Comment by kadomi

@ Lewis – The Frenzyheart Daily quest “Secret Strength of the Frenzyheart” does just that. I love hitting the Oracle guys and knocking them back. The best part: If I crit, they then die dramatically – if I don’t, I then can charge them. It’s win-win.

@ kadomi – Mine would have to be “Tarsus’ Face Smasher.” It would have like, 400 Strength on it. >.>

Comment by Tarsus

Darraxus’s Bitchslapping Bulwark. Ahhhhh yeah.

Comment by Darraxus

[…] Linedan’s brother from another mother, waxes rhapsodic over at Tanking for Dummies on why we prot warriors love our shields so much.  Hell, we knew how good they were even before Gerald Butler and 299 other Spartans in jockstraps […]

Pingback by Random linkitude « Achtung Panzercow

I hear this!

Though I was thinking a petition to blizz!

I want more shields that look like you just ripped the front gate off of Orgrimmar!

Comment by Beefbringer

@ Beefbringer – Amen! More door shields! There is nothing quite like strapping something to your arm that’s as large as you are when you’re a Tauren.

Comment by Tarsus

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