Tanking for Dummies

Ulduar Tanking Crits you for…
June 3, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , , ,

…everything.  And I thought I was Defense capped.

I mean, I’m not sure you’ve noticed.  You could be a total bear or something and have sixty bajillion hitpoints so this is not really so bad for you.  But for me, Ulduar has been a lesson in new ways to be gibbed, burned, splattered, diced, or otherwise rendered to ground chuck.  I understand Blood Elves like this sort of thing.  Personally, I hope they choke on a shard of my Slayer of the Lifeless.

Let’s Review, shall we?

Scene 1: An Airie in the Stormpeaks.  Our Bold Heroes fight Razorscale, Ironbound protodrake.

Main Tank: Someone get this thing off of me! My armor is melting!

Tarsus: Don’t worry chief!  I’ll save you!

Tarsus assumes a Heroic posture.

Tarsus: Hey chicken lips! Your mother was a can opener!

Tarsus has agro from Razorscale!

Razorscale: <Burnination>

Tarsus: My god!  The pain!  Someone get this thing off me!  I can feel my abs getting a delicious carmelized char!  My shield wall is almost up!  I can’t move!

Main Tank: Sorry man, I blew mine already.

Off Tank, the second: I’m still on cooldown!

Bear Tank: I’m already dead!

What will be the fate of our hero?

Tarsus: I’m medium well! <dies>

Razorscale: Ow, my ass! <dies>

Motley Crew of DPS: Woot!  teh loots!

Tarsus: Rez please.  And some A-1 sauce.

Steak Anyone?

Steak Anyone?

Scene 2: A collosal inner sanctum of marble.  Our Heroes fight Kologarn, giant construct of the ancient world.

Kologarn: None Shall Pass!

Tarsus: Oh crap!

Main Tank: Taunt him!

Kologarn grabs Tarsus in his giant stony fist!

Kologarn: I will crush you!

Main Tank: Taunt Please!

Tarsus: <breathlessly> Your legs… ow… don’t meet at the top!

Tarsus Pops.

Tarsus: Sorry chief! <dies>

Main Tank: Fuck.

Main Tank is crushed.

Kologarn: Master, they come!

Kologarn dies.

Motley Crew of DPS: Purples!

Tarsus: I hate you guys.  Also, rez please.

Like this, but meatier.

Like this, but meatier.

Scene 3: A circular atrium with floating glass.  Our heroes fight Auriaya, the craziest cat lady of them all.

Auriaya: Some things are better left alone!  Get them my pretties!

Sanctum Sentries pounce!

Tanks: Heals please!

Tanks explode in a fine red mist!

Motley Crew of DPS: Not the face!

Tarsus: Heheh, vengance!

Main Tank: Medic!

There wasn't much left

There wasn't much left

Scene 4: An arena, surrounded by rioting fans.  Our Heroes fight Thorim, lord of thunder.

Tarsus: Lightning Charge is at 15 stacks!

Main Tank: Stay on Target.

Tarsus: My Shield Wall expires in 3 seconds!

Main Tank: Stay on Target!

Tarsus: I’m breaking up!

Tarsus is splattered across the arena.  Lightning Arcs from his bits.

Off Tank, The Second: I’ll save you!

Thorim hits Off Tank, the Second with Unbalencing Strike!

Off Tank, the Second: I am slain! <dies>

Main Tank: Uh…

Main Tank casts Devine interviention on… Joveta!

Main Tank is saved repair costs!

Main Tank: Victory!

Tarsus: I hate you, chief.

Main Tank: I know.  Now release and run back so we can do that again.

Hint: The space shuttle has more health than me.

Hint: The space shuttle has more health than me.

Scene 5: An ancient workshop where the raw power of creation flows.  Our Heroes fight Mimiron, master tinker of the ancients.

Mimiron: It’s Time for Lasers!

Tanks: What, Lasers?

Mimiron: Oh yeah.  It’s kinda like this.

Mimiron lets loose with Plasma filled beams of death.

Tanks: <assplode>

Mimiron: Pwned!


So yes, the pain.  I don’t think I’ve been this badly mauled since, well… ever.  The worst part about it is I haven’t even seen a tentacle yet.  Well, unless you count the Lashers on Freya, but this is at least an R rated blog, I can’t dramatize what happens with those without going into Furry Gay tentacle porn.  We’re not going there.

…unless I find the Yog-Sauron fight to be uncontrollably hilarious.


14 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Tentacles are their own reward *sage nod*

Also one of the many fun-reducing changes was the change that made Bloodthirst require a weapon, thus depriving Fury Warriors of the option to Falcon Punch the crap out of things :(

Comment by Yuki

@ Yuki – Well, now that rogues can disarm shields not being able to attack while disarmed is a problem for prot as well.

Comment by Tarsus

You have the best taunts I’ve ever seen.

Comment by Elleiras

If you haven’t macro’d them to taunt, you totally should. :D

Comment by Elleiras

And Yogg is uncontrollably hilarious. Especially if you “accidentally” go insane. And spend the rest of the fight attempting to gank your significant other.

… not that I would know anything about that.

/end comment spam

Comment by Elleiras

I had to stop reading this half-way through and go clock out for lunch before I finished.

This was insanely funny.

Comment by Tigerfeet

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I’m telling ya, man. I’ve only gotten to Auriaya in 25s, and dammit, now I know how a yarn ball feels. Nothing like screwing up LOS and getting all four kitties OHGODINTHEFACE and dying in one second…with 39k health…and Shield Wall up.

Comment by Lewis


Comment by Ambrosyne


Comment by Jov

@ Elleiras – I yell them before pulls sometimes, but I don’t have a macro. If I could find a program that would let me have random sayings depending on my target I would seriously consider it though.

@ Tigerfeet & Ambrosyne – This post started being generated the third time all of the tanks got nailed by the plasma nova thing in Mimiron Phase 4. Tanking requires a certain amount of black humor.

@ Lewis – Yeah, we tried using a Shield Wall combo to pull her the first couple of times. You can really only handle two cats with that. Yakra’s pull works like a charm though, timing your taunt is the only trick. Still use shield wall though

Comment by Tarsus

I used to use an addon called SpeakEasy to manage random sayings, but unfortunately it’s fallen into the great pits of addon doom :(

Comment by Yuki

@ Yuki – Not to mention I don’t think SpeakEasy would enable me to say “You’re insufficiently Euphemistic!” only when I’m targeting Hodir.

Comment by Tarsus

I’m not sure if this is more funny to me because I know the people involved or what but.. *wipes tears, giggling*

Comment by Seri

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