Tanking for Dummies

King Varian Wrynn is a FailWarrior
September 28, 2009, 10:47 am
Filed under: Humor | Tags: , , ,

That I have a deep loathing for Varian Wrynn is no great secret.  He fails at statecraft.  He fails at logic.  He fails at killing Garrosh Hellscream when he had the chance to spare the Horde from a terrible fate.

Then, see, I got to looking real close and I realized that not only is he a FailKing, he’s a FailWarrior.

I present to you, exhibit A:


Notice something particularly queer about those blades?  Oh, yes, they’re one handed swords.  Yo, Varian.  I hate to break it to you, but even if those things are friggin’ legendary, you’re missing the blessing of Titan’s Grip – you know the part where you wield two giant two-handed weapons for insane DPS.

So, what did the King of Stormwind get in exchange for this error in assigning talent points?  Apparently he talked some Blizzard developer to let him keep Heroic Leap from the beta instead.  Yeah, I know, I was kind underwhelmed as well.  Don’t get me wrong, it was cool while it lasted, but like most fail-specs, you’ve given up a seriously important ability for something gimmicky.

I’m sure I can see a few of you among the Alliance who are nodding their heads.  You knew all along that someone wasn’t pulling their weight in the group.  Well, now you know.  Some rogues could have probably made pretty good use of those swords too.  I suppose this is what happens when you give Jaina master looter privileges.

I’m sure your litany of complaints must be long, warriors of the Alliance.  He never puts up Demo Shout.  No Rampage either.  And now this.  It’s almost like the only thing he brings to your team is his chin.  You have my sympathies.  Fortunately, we in the Horde have your back.  We’ll kill him again and again for you.

You just have to promise the same when it’s Garrosh’s turn.  Deal?


6 Comments so far
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Maybe he’s just using the talent trees from Beta as of the time that Heroic Leap was the 51 point talent. You know, back when even a single point (out of 5) in Titan’s Grip was a fairly massive DPS loss.

. . . not that the talent has ever been poorly designed or anything! /eyeroll

Comment by Yuki

Ha, great article :>

And thanks for linking to that wowwiki page to explain your Jaina crack – sometimes I miss so much about the details of the game by not checking wowwiki.

Comment by Rahima

@ Yuki – …or has produced unending problems despite (or perhaps because) of it’s popularity.

@ Rahima – It was an obscure enough lore joke that I felt it needed a link. I mean, really, it’s pretty nerdy even by my usually low standards.

Comment by Tarsus

Given the fact that Varian, like all other Boss level characters, is about 3 feet taller than a tauren, and has fists the size of a bowling ball, I think Shalla’tor and Ellemayne might be two handers, and they jut look like one handers in his grasp. After all, he did use one much like an arms warrior in the patch 3.1 trailer.

As for Garrosh, I think my guild is planning on setting up shifts so that Garrosh is never spawned on Destromath for longer than the amount of time it takes to kill him.

Comment by The Renaissance Man

By that logic, sir, my recently acquired Sorthalis, Hammer of the Watchers is a 2-handed weapon for a Dwarf, clearly not true. Also, this contradicts the observation that the swords were previously modeled after Quel’serar, which while large is still a 1-handed weapon. No, whatever bizarre magic is in the weapons of WoW: they scale with size.

However, your dedication to killing the future pretender to the title is worthy of great praise. Know that any resistance you find is based on principal as opposed to any actual serious attempts to save him.

Comment by Tarsus

HE is obviously Single-Minded fury. Likes to attack fast and w/ no rage penalty. Pure Badassery

Comment by Daskill

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