Tanking for Dummies

Is this the best the internet can do?
September 30, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor | Tags: , ,

By blog standards, I must run the cleanest operation on the World Wide Web.  We’re very close to the 9-Month mark here in the life of “Tanking for Dummies.” In all that time, not even one dirty, lewd or suggestive search term has popped up on my blog statistics.  Getting these little nuggets of comedy is practically a badge of honor.  Writing about them could be seen as the mark of being a “real blogger.”  But not me, no, no tiny tweets of titillation have seen fit to include this site.

Well, that was, until Monday.

There was no ambiguity about it.  Some mysterious and lonely net denizen was looking to sate their desires with some World of Warcraft related materials.  What road of hedonistic desire brought them here, you might ask?  What method of lecherous inquiry?

“worgen yiff”

Oh really.

You must surely share in my disappointment. Hardly the material even snickers are made of.

Perhaps I should not complain.   I don’t precisely try to attract the sort of attention that would warrant excitation of certain key glands.  I think if you were to rank my effort to attract such attention in the range between hardcore internet pornography and the etchings attached to certain classical texts; it would land somewhere below a high school biology textbook, but above a technical manual for an M-1 Abrams .  Needless to say, it would be hard for my labors here to get a rise out of a straight laced Victorian Gentleman, which I am given to believe is (ironically) not that difficult.

No, I suppose this disappointment arises from a particular truism concerning humanity, namely that no-thing, act, or thought is beyond our capacity for fetishizing.  No more place is this true than here on our native internet, where exposure to such things renders even the most bizarre examples quite mundane.

Take, for example, my very own and beloved Axiom, in whose ranks lives a quite charming gay man whose fascination with female genitalia is quite unnatural.  Even one of our officers, I have on good authority, has a somewhat alarming predilection for baked goods – particularly those of certain ethnic varieties.

…Did I mention we are still recruiting?

But I digress!  The capacity of the internet for catering to such desires is well known.  Vast terabytes of data are dedicated to it.  Vast fora practically exist to revel in it.  Odes have been written to it, and set to video.

Nay, I say, NAY.  It is all a lie! A vast fabrication!  For if all the internet can squeeze from this site in nine months is “worgen yiff” – that is not only false advertising, it is downright pathetic.

If the internet truly possessed such faculties then there could reliably be said to be some niche into which this site would somehow accidentally fall.  For example, it would only be logical that if there existed a dedicated group of shield fetishists I would most certainly have discovered them by now:  Their nights spent pouring their lonely hearts into Google, desperately entering even more search terms.  Alas, for them, “Hoplite Porn”, and “Shield Erotica” are dead ends that lead only to by-subscription-only issues of National Geographic, the Society of Creative Anachronism, and fanfic of over-rated five year old TV shows, which (incidentally) contain no actual shields.

No, apparently there exists no provocations in that directions to share with you, my readers.  Or any direction of note what-so-ever.  For, if my expectations have been dashed, surely your suffering has been worse.  This disappointment must be acute after months of waiting and wondering.  And here I am, whipping off the black cloth on the table to reveal this bare and yawn worthy morsel.  I can only offer my dark and sardonic consolement: the internet has failed us both.

“worgen yiff”.  What a joke.

Though, in case I have pre-judged and a member of such a group does exist and comes across this article, please accept this small token as an apology and remember to include Tanking for Dummies in your search terms in the future.  You contributions to my page-hit count are all the thanks I require.



That is all.



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