Tanking for Dummies

How to pull with posterior: a beginners guide
November 4, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: ,

No doubt you have heard of the wonder that is the accidental pull.  Contrary to popular depiction this exciting new sport is a healthy alternative to the boring and stifling organized pull.  Moreover, clinical studies have been found to show that the sudden rush of adrenaline and heart-rate makes for great cardio, the foundation of any good workout.  Best yet, you will be easily able to tell the lions from the lolcats in your raid with a few quick clicks of your mouse.

But wait, there’s more!

“Accidental and Surprisingly Stupid Pulling” or “ASS Pulling” as we like to call it has proven to be fun for the whole family.  Why just go somewhere when you can…

Learn exciting new expressions!

Meet dangerous and strange natives!

…And their friends!

I can tell that you are excited to begin.  So why not?  The first step is to find a raid.


This one will do.  They look a little shabby though.  No worries, with ASS Pulling, they’ll be in prime shape in no time.

Now, you need a tank.  At least one will do, but three is ideal.  This sap seems like he’s up for the job.  Hi Tarsus!


Tarsus here is a real pro.  He’s been doing this since the wee old days of Molten Core so he’s going to show us a thing or two.  A skilled tank knows how to pick a good ASS opportunity.  Like the trash on Freya!

Large packs of mobs?  Check.  Wandering Patrols?  Check.  A dangerous demigod from before the dawn of time?  Bonus!

For the highest quality ASS Pull, observe these simple rules:

  1. Always target the stationary packs first, never the pathers.
  2. Use Charge to pull, or at least make sure you’re out of range of the healers, that way you can lead them forward into battle!
  3. When considering timing and positioning, remember it is possible to use proximity agro to pull another stationary pack with your patrol.  The more the merrier!
  4. Don’t forget the bosses, truly epic ASS pulling always have at least one.

What, you didn’t think these things could happen by accident, right?  In any case, let’s check back in with Tarsus and see how he is doing.


My, lying down on the job.  Tisk tisk Tarsus.  What use is a good ASS pull if you die before anyone else?  I mean, the Rogues will be able to get a vanish off and go back to slacking in the shadows at this rate.  You don’t want flabby Rogues, do you?

Oh well, at least the healers seem to have caught up with you.  Look, angels!


Dramatization. No healers were killed in the making of this post.

Don’t worry though Tarsus, I am sure there will be many more opportunities for you to improve your technique in the weeks and months ahead.  I would even imagine that soon you might even be able to finish that pull with most of your raid alive.  Seems crazy, I know, but with a solid ASS technique, anything is possible.

And now a word from our sponsor:

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6 Comments so far
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Epicly bad pulls. I’ve seen a few of those. On our first Kologarn attempt, I accidently dove into the shattered walkway. It was extremely embarrassing, but I was impressed that Blizzard actually took the time to render Kologarn’s legs and feet.

I was reading Elle’s blog, and she posted an interesting healing survey. It combined personal gearing philosophy with analysis on the state of the classes. I thought it was pretty cool. Then she asked for a tanking version. So I made one, and I’d like to get a warrior’s take on it.


Comment by The Renaissance Man

This was amazing. I loved it.

Although I would have liked an “Advanced Version” entitled “How to Make ToC-5 Fun: Varian and Garrosh get a good laugh when you start the jousting event with only two party members on their horses.”

Comment by Juzaba

@Renaissance Man – I don’t see any reason why I can’t take a shot at it. If I can’t get around to it for Friday, I’ll do it on Monday.

@Juzaba – Lies. There is no way to make Jousting fun.

Comment by Tarsus

We don’t call those “ass pulls.” We call it “accidental efficiency.”

Comment by Linedan

Great post, I loved it.

Learn exciting new expressions!

Meet dangerous and strange natives!

…And their friends!

Hee :D

Comment by Anea

See! thats why I want to be a tank, so I can do something similar. My favorite part that seemed to be missed, was where the tank, doesnt bother to see if the healers have enuf mana or are recharging, before they go attack new groups of mobs.

Comment by Spitt

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