Tanking for Dummies

Ode to the Bear
January 29, 2010, 1:55 pm
Filed under: Humor | Tags: , ,

Oh Bear! Though thy bottom is great in size

And thy avoidance gimped in Icecrown raids;

You have a character that is a prize

With An aspect that never truly fades.

‘Tis not thy health – though ’tis matched by no one.

‘Tis not thy mitigation – though quite nice.

‘Tis not thy dance – if amusing and fun.

‘Tis not thy gear – no plate to sacrifice.

In Kitty form you’re of the highest rank,

The time to see you’re the best half-a-tank.

Props to all those bears out there – your ability to swap from DPS to Tank to DPS in the middle of a fight continues to amaze me.


An Exciting Opportunity
January 11, 2010, 2:25 pm
Filed under: Humor | Tags: ,

Do you suffer from bouts of extreme anger?

Does your red meter feel bloated or full?

Does your usual regimen of Devastate or Shield Slam just not do it for you anymore?

If any of these symptoms describes you, or you have ever felt the sudden urge to crush the cell phone you have bought for your significant other*, you may suffer from a common Warrior condition known as WTMR°.  The causes for this condition vary, from glyphs to spec, to traumatic brain injury.  But no matter the cause of your WTMR, there is hope.

My name is Dr. Tarsus Grimtotem, and though I am not an actual doctor I play one on Television.  Actually, no, I don’t even play one on television, I am just wearing a white lab coat and appear trustworthy.  Either way, I am totally qualified to inform you about an exciting new treatment for WTMR: Heroicstrikacin¹.  Unlike other available treatments for WTMR, Heroicstrikacin doesn’t eat your global cooldown, so you will be ready for that taunt whenever the opportunity arises.  Better yet, Heroicstrikacin doesn’t require a prescription, meaning you can use it whenever the need arises.  It contains no harsh chemicals, and relies solely on wholesome natural processes to relieve your WTMR.  In clinical trials, Heroicstrikacin was show to reduce WTMR by up to 100%.  You can try Heroicstrikacin for free for up to 10 days by visiting this website.

You should not use Heroicstrikacin in low rage environments to avoid having dead healers.  Side effects include mood swings, inability to use other tanking abilities, and painful debilitating hand injuries.  Should you experience any of these effects under the influence of Heroicstrikacin, you should immediately seek medical attention.

If you cannot afford your medications, Blizzard Pharmaceuticals may be able to help.  Actually, no they won’t, but we can always hope they will pay for your subscription.  Er.  Prescription.

* Observed in clinical testing.

° Way Too Much Rage

¹ Generic Name: Heroic Strike

Dear Greatfather Winter,
December 9, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor | Tags:

You are real!  You are real!  I told all the other raiders but they didn’t believe me.  They said you were just Thrall all dressed up in a suit.  But I knew better.  Just because he can be in multiple places at once doesn’t mean he is the one that brings presents to all the good warriors of the Horde.  I kept the faith!  We sure showed them!

In any case, seeing as you have already made one wish come true, I was hoping, maybe, possibly, you might do another one?  I’ve been really really good!  All the naughty blood elves always poke fun at me with their bad hamburger jokes, but even though I really wanted to I didn’t war stomp even one!  I even volunteered to DPS when we needed it.  I even slaughtered Varian Wrynn this year!  Plus, it’s something so teeny that your phenomenal cosmic powers should be able to totally do it easily.

All I want for winter’s vale is a brand new, shiny, Overlord Varok Saurfang Edition Mechano-Hog with the Arctic Fur seats and Elementium Plated Exhaust Pipe!  I’ve wanted one ever since I came to Northrend, but I’m just a poor little meat-shield that spends all his money on consumables and repair costs for raids.  Since you already gave Joveta a whole patch I’m sure this won’t be too much to ask, will it?  I mean I can understand that your busy this time of year, but you have elves and goblins and stuff to make things like that.  Right?

Oh, and I have attached a picture of a Christmas Cookie for you.  It’s the one that I’ve been saving to give you, and I totally will when you come to Orgrimmar this year.

Very Best Happy Holidays,

Tarsus Grimtotem

PS: Don’t pay attention to what Jov says.  Sausages are delicious.  You should be careful though about the Goblin ones.  Sometimes they explode.

Top 10 Things to do While Waiting for Patch 3.3 to go Live
December 4, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Lists | Tags: , , ,

Does it seem like your life is a roller coaster, going from Tuesday to Tuesday?  Does each fateful week pass for you, leaving only disappointment?  Is there nothing you want more in life than to stop doing ToC and fling yourself bodily into Icecrown?

For you for whom patience is not enough, I give you these helpful suggestions:

10. Review the strategies for taking down long forgotten bosses as part of the Weekly Raid Quests.

9. Bank money to blow on repair bills – the pug demands it.

8. Stockpile consumables, like flasks, potions, and stacks of Glyph of Taunt.

7. Log on to the PTR and do practice runs of the Icecrown Citadel 5-man Dungeons.

6. Watch videos of the boss fights in Icecrown Citadel Raid.

5. Cast another vote for Basic Campfire.

4. Dream up the RP background for your new Worgen or Goblin.

3. Compose a crazy rant to convince the scary lady with knives that we shouldn’t run ToC anymore.

2. Make a sandwich.

1. Get treatment for the pain in your Heroic Strike hand.

And you thought it was just repetitive stress injury.  HA!

How to pull with posterior: a beginners guide
November 4, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: ,

No doubt you have heard of the wonder that is the accidental pull.  Contrary to popular depiction this exciting new sport is a healthy alternative to the boring and stifling organized pull.  Moreover, clinical studies have been found to show that the sudden rush of adrenaline and heart-rate makes for great cardio, the foundation of any good workout.  Best yet, you will be easily able to tell the lions from the lolcats in your raid with a few quick clicks of your mouse.

But wait, there’s more!

Continue reading

Wipe Blame: The Tank List
October 30, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Lists, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , ,

Allow me to rise to Amber’s challenge to match her “Blame Table“.  Just for tanks.

Or, perhaps, I should simply call it my list of “why every wipe is secretly the tank’s fault.”

1st Cause of the Wipe: Tank lost agro

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • The tank forgot to get back into Defensive Stance/Frost Presence, etc.
  • The tank is in their DPS spec.
  • The tank is dead (this, contrary to some rumors, always causes agro wipe).
  • The tank’s claw-like appendage sometimes called a hand has finally dropped off due to excessive heroic strike spam.

2nd Cause of Wipe: Tank is dead

Reasons why this is the tanks fault:

  • Forgot to use the right cooldown.
  • Used the right cooldown, but a the wrong time.
  • Used the right cooldown, at the right time, but was fighting Gormok the Impaler.
  • Attempted to start a land war in Asia.

3rd Cause of Wipe: Ignoring the tank to 1-shot squishes

Reason why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Didn’t open with shield slam.
  • There is no hit gear in ToC.
  • Tank is dead.
  • Prudery is no excuse for not humping the boss before it becomes active.

4th cause of Wipe: Healer is dead

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • The only thing between the healer and death is the tank.
  • The only thing between the tank and death is the healer.
  • We live in fear of the healer mafia.

5th cause of Wipe: The adds are killing everyone

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Didn’t play a Paladin.
  • Didn’t play a Death Knight.
  • Didn’t Vigilance the Mage.
  • The tank is dead.

6th cause of Wipe: DPS is too low

Reasons this is the tank’s fault:

  • Not enough threat.
  • Didn’t Vigilance the Mage.
  • Tank is Dead.
  • Didn’t swap to Berserker stance and start execute spam.

7th Cause of Wipe: Ignorance

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Assumed everyone had read the strat/watched the video on TankSpot/remembered to keep up to date on their Tanking for Dummies feed.
  • Missed the tanking assignments because they were tabbed out playing browser games.
  • “Close your eyes and think of England” is not a sufficient strat summary.

Don’t despair my fellow Tanks, just remember –  even if it is always your fault it’s not like anyone else can take the hits and maintain a stunning 31 Intellect.  That’s what we call job security.

It’s a Boar!
October 9, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Gear, Humor | Tags: , , ,

I personally thing that the new Tier 10 looks awesome.  As far as the texturing goes, it probably looks more like actual armor than most of the tier sets.  There are some things I am sure we could quibble about, the fact that once again the Horde (red) version looks infinitely cooler than the Alliance version (blue).  I just have one small, teensy problem.

I’m going to have to be correcting people about the animal on the shoulders.

It’s not a pig.  It’s a boar.

You might want to practice saying it in the mirror, because it would seem that you’re going to be saying it for some time to come – or something like it.  Apparently Blizzard has this crazy idea that Warriors should not have animals on their shoulders that could be un-ambiguously wild.  First it was the Sheep/Goat/Ram thing.  Now we have the Pig/Boar thing.  What are we doing here?  Putting on a production of Animal Farm?  Seriously folks.

Druids?  Nothing ambiguous about stags or moose.

Shamans?  Nothing ambiguous about wolves.

Hunters?  Nothing ambiguous about anything.  Remember the giant blinking eyes on their shoulders?

But Warriors?  We can’t even get a predator on our shoulders, let alone something that’s unabashedly un-domesticated.

So here’s some future inspiration Blizzard:  How about something that makes us look like a Bear?  Hell, even a badger would be preferably unambiguous, if probably stupid looking considering who is designing it.  Or, you know what, how about no animals what-so-ever.  History is replete with awesome looking examples of plate armor that have no animal symbolism.

I’m not picky, my blue worded friends.  All I want is armor that doesn’t leave me open to ridicule.  They have focus groups for this, but I’m sure if you just asked Ratshag he would be happy to inform you that there’s a pig on the shoulders.  What can I say?  The orc has taste.

I suppose at least I don’t have to worry about Saurfang eating me.  Not that I wouldn’t wipe ten thousand times over just to have a chance to fight by the side of the greatest warrior who ever lived.

Oh wait. I do.

Man I love being Horde. Sometimes you really need pity the Alliance.  You all miss so much awesome, it’s not even funny.