Tanking for Dummies

Hey You! From HoR Yesterday!
February 16, 2010, 2:48 pm
Filed under: Advice for Non Tanks, Rants | Tags: , , ,

Does line of sight mean anything to you?  I mean, the mob that’s killing you is at range.  How hard is this?

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I <3 High Overlord Saurfang
December 16, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Raiding, Strategy, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , , , ,

Last night was the best night of raiding since 3.2 came out.

It didn’t start out seeming like it was going to be the win that it turned out to be.  We had some trouble with Lady Deathwhisper on Thursday, and we were coming at her again with an off-spec tank and only 5 healers.  But with some changes in strategy (using crowd control on the mobs closest to Lady Deathwhisper when they spawn, and keeping 3 shadow priests on the boss through the whole of phase 1), we brought her down the second time we made it to phase 2.

Which means we got to do the gunship battle.


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How to pull with posterior: a beginners guide
November 4, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: ,

No doubt you have heard of the wonder that is the accidental pull.  Contrary to popular depiction this exciting new sport is a healthy alternative to the boring and stifling organized pull.  Moreover, clinical studies have been found to show that the sudden rush of adrenaline and heart-rate makes for great cardio, the foundation of any good workout.  Best yet, you will be easily able to tell the lions from the lolcats in your raid with a few quick clicks of your mouse.

But wait, there’s more!

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Wipe Blame: The Tank List
October 30, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Lists, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , ,

Allow me to rise to Amber’s challenge to match her “Blame Table“.  Just for tanks.

Or, perhaps, I should simply call it my list of “why every wipe is secretly the tank’s fault.”

1st Cause of the Wipe: Tank lost agro

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • The tank forgot to get back into Defensive Stance/Frost Presence, etc.
  • The tank is in their DPS spec.
  • The tank is dead (this, contrary to some rumors, always causes agro wipe).
  • The tank’s claw-like appendage sometimes called a hand has finally dropped off due to excessive heroic strike spam.

2nd Cause of Wipe: Tank is dead

Reasons why this is the tanks fault:

  • Forgot to use the right cooldown.
  • Used the right cooldown, but a the wrong time.
  • Used the right cooldown, at the right time, but was fighting Gormok the Impaler.
  • Attempted to start a land war in Asia.

3rd Cause of Wipe: Ignoring the tank to 1-shot squishes

Reason why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Didn’t open with shield slam.
  • There is no hit gear in ToC.
  • Tank is dead.
  • Prudery is no excuse for not humping the boss before it becomes active.

4th cause of Wipe: Healer is dead

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • The only thing between the healer and death is the tank.
  • The only thing between the tank and death is the healer.
  • We live in fear of the healer mafia.

5th cause of Wipe: The adds are killing everyone

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Didn’t play a Paladin.
  • Didn’t play a Death Knight.
  • Didn’t Vigilance the Mage.
  • The tank is dead.

6th cause of Wipe: DPS is too low

Reasons this is the tank’s fault:

  • Not enough threat.
  • Didn’t Vigilance the Mage.
  • Tank is Dead.
  • Didn’t swap to Berserker stance and start execute spam.

7th Cause of Wipe: Ignorance

Reasons why this is the tank’s fault:

  • Assumed everyone had read the strat/watched the video on TankSpot/remembered to keep up to date on their Tanking for Dummies feed.
  • Missed the tanking assignments because they were tabbed out playing browser games.
  • “Close your eyes and think of England” is not a sufficient strat summary.

Don’t despair my fellow Tanks, just remember –  even if it is always your fault it’s not like anyone else can take the hits and maintain a stunning 31 Intellect.  That’s what we call job security.

Ulduar Tanking Crits you for…
June 3, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , , ,

…everything.  And I thought I was Defense capped.

I mean, I’m not sure you’ve noticed.  You could be a total bear or something and have sixty bajillion hitpoints so this is not really so bad for you.  But for me, Ulduar has been a lesson in new ways to be gibbed, burned, splattered, diced, or otherwise rendered to ground chuck.  I understand Blood Elves like this sort of thing.  Personally, I hope they choke on a shard of my Slayer of the Lifeless.

Let’s Review, shall we?

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Top 10 Ways to Know Your Tank is a Noob.
March 20, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Advice for Non Tanks, Gear, Lists, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , , , ,

Everyone wants a good tank for their group.  Obviously, not all tanks can be Cinderhelm and Veneretio.  Sometimes you are stuck with me.  Sometimes, you are stuck with me on a cold day in January three years ago.  Just because you spec protection doesn’t make you a tank.

Yes, I once was a Noob (perhaps, as is the case in some strains in Buddhism, some might say I have the noob’s mind).  I have made most if not all of the mistakes I am about to list at some point in my now lengthy career as a tank.  Some of them I have made more than others.  While some might say that I learn best by failing, I think pretty much all of these lessons I wish someone had told me about before I wiped a group with them.

That said, you (like me) might be/have once been a noob if… Continue reading

Cows Can’t Dance
March 2, 2009, 12:01 am
Filed under: Advice for Non Tanks, Raiding, Stupid Tanking | Tags: , , , ,

Ah Heigan.  Dance Master of Naxxaramas.  Room studio full of traps and other nastiness.  Slayer of lagged players.


I have issues with Heigan.  Not, however, because of lag.  I have issues with the famous lord of the dance because the man’s traps are a pathetic green candle next to my steel clad bovine pecs.

Or, more specifically, I have way too many hit points.

Now, this may seem like a very minor point.  I mean, honestly, how bad can having great gobs of health be?  When You’re wearing epics, isn’t this kinda thing… inevitable?

Well yes, but so is the following scenario.

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