Filed under: Humor, Stupid Tanking | Tags: anecdote, stupidity, Tanking, Ulduar
…everything. And I thought I was Defense capped.
I mean, I’m not sure you’ve noticed. You could be a total bear or something and have sixty bajillion hitpoints so this is not really so bad for you. But for me, Ulduar has been a lesson in new ways to be gibbed, burned, splattered, diced, or otherwise rendered to ground chuck. I understand Blood Elves like this sort of thing. Personally, I hope they choke on a shard of my Slayer of the Lifeless.
Let’s Review, shall we?
Scene 1: An Airie in the Stormpeaks. Our Bold Heroes fight Razorscale, Ironbound protodrake.
Main Tank: Someone get this thing off of me! My armor is melting!
Tarsus: Don’t worry chief! I’ll save you!
Tarsus assumes a Heroic posture.
Tarsus: Hey chicken lips! Your mother was a can opener!
Tarsus has agro from Razorscale!
Razorscale: <Burnination>
Tarsus: My god! The pain! Someone get this thing off me! I can feel my abs getting a delicious carmelized char! My shield wall is almost up! I can’t move!
Main Tank: Sorry man, I blew mine already.
Off Tank, the second: I’m still on cooldown!
Bear Tank: I’m already dead!
What will be the fate of our hero?
Tarsus: I’m medium well! <dies>
Razorscale: Ow, my ass! <dies>
Motley Crew of DPS: Woot! teh loots!
Tarsus: Rez please. And some A-1 sauce.
Steak Anyone?
Scene 2: A collosal inner sanctum of marble. Our Heroes fight Kologarn, giant construct of the ancient world.
Kologarn: None Shall Pass!
Tarsus: Oh crap!
Main Tank: Taunt him!
Kologarn grabs Tarsus in his giant stony fist!
Kologarn: I will crush you!
Main Tank: Taunt Please!
Tarsus: <breathlessly> Your legs… ow… don’t meet at the top!
Tarsus Pops.
Tarsus: Sorry chief! <dies>
Main Tank: Fuck.
Main Tank is crushed.
Kologarn: Master, they come!
Kologarn dies.
Motley Crew of DPS: Purples!
Tarsus: I hate you guys. Also, rez please.
Like this, but meatier.
Scene 3: A circular atrium with floating glass. Our heroes fight Auriaya, the craziest cat lady of them all.
Auriaya: Some things are better left alone! Get them my pretties!
Sanctum Sentries pounce!
Tanks: Heals please!
Tanks explode in a fine red mist!
Motley Crew of DPS: Not the face!
Tarsus: Heheh, vengance!
Main Tank: Medic!
There wasn't much left
Scene 4: An arena, surrounded by rioting fans. Our Heroes fight Thorim, lord of thunder.
Tarsus: Lightning Charge is at 15 stacks!
Main Tank: Stay on Target.
Tarsus: My Shield Wall expires in 3 seconds!
Main Tank: Stay on Target!
Tarsus: I’m breaking up!
Tarsus is splattered across the arena. Lightning Arcs from his bits.
Off Tank, The Second: I’ll save you!
Thorim hits Off Tank, the Second with Unbalencing Strike!
Off Tank, the Second: I am slain! <dies>
Main Tank: Uh…
Main Tank casts Devine interviention on… Joveta!
Main Tank is saved repair costs!
Main Tank: Victory!
Tarsus: I hate you, chief.
Main Tank: I know. Now release and run back so we can do that again.
Hint: The space shuttle has more health than me.
Scene 5: An ancient workshop where the raw power of creation flows. Our Heroes fight Mimiron, master tinker of the ancients.
Mimiron: It’s Time for Lasers!
Tanks: What, Lasers?
Mimiron: Oh yeah. It’s kinda like this.
Mimiron lets loose with Plasma filled beams of death.
Tanks: <assplode>
Mimiron: Pwned!
Fin.
So yes, the pain. I don’t think I’ve been this badly mauled since, well… ever. The worst part about it is I haven’t even seen a tentacle yet. Well, unless you count the Lashers on Freya, but this is at least an R rated blog, I can’t dramatize what happens with those without going into Furry Gay tentacle porn. We’re not going there.
…unless I find the Yog-Sauron fight to be uncontrollably hilarious.
14 Comments so far
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Tanking for Dummies 
Tentacles are their own reward *sage nod*
Also one of the many fun-reducing changes was the change that made Bloodthirst require a weapon, thus depriving Fury Warriors of the option to Falcon Punch the crap out of things :(
Comment by Yuki June 3, 2009 @ 12:46 am@ Yuki – Well, now that rogues can disarm shields not being able to attack while disarmed is a problem for prot as well.
Comment by Tarsus June 3, 2009 @ 10:55 amYou have the best taunts I’ve ever seen.
Comment by Elleiras June 3, 2009 @ 12:00 pmIf you haven’t macro’d them to taunt, you totally should. :D
Comment by Elleiras June 3, 2009 @ 12:00 pmAnd Yogg is uncontrollably hilarious. Especially if you “accidentally” go insane. And spend the rest of the fight attempting to gank your significant other.
… not that I would know anything about that.
/end comment spam
Comment by Elleiras June 3, 2009 @ 12:03 pmI had to stop reading this half-way through and go clock out for lunch before I finished.
This was insanely funny.
Comment by Tigerfeet June 3, 2009 @ 12:05 pm[…] This post was Twitted by _anea – Real-url.org […]
Pingback by Twitted by _anea June 3, 2009 @ 1:19 pmI’m telling ya, man. I’ve only gotten to Auriaya in 25s, and dammit, now I know how a yarn ball feels. Nothing like screwing up LOS and getting all four kitties OHGODINTHEFACE and dying in one second…with 39k health…and Shield Wall up.
Comment by Lewis June 3, 2009 @ 2:00 pm…ilu.
Comment by Ambrosyne June 3, 2009 @ 2:03 pmMINE!
Comment by Jov June 3, 2009 @ 9:21 pm@ Elleiras – I yell them before pulls sometimes, but I don’t have a macro. If I could find a program that would let me have random sayings depending on my target I would seriously consider it though.
@ Tigerfeet & Ambrosyne – This post started being generated the third time all of the tanks got nailed by the plasma nova thing in Mimiron Phase 4. Tanking requires a certain amount of black humor.
@ Lewis – Yeah, we tried using a Shield Wall combo to pull her the first couple of times. You can really only handle two cats with that. Yakra’s pull works like a charm though, timing your taunt is the only trick. Still use shield wall though
Comment by Tarsus June 3, 2009 @ 2:39 pmI used to use an addon called SpeakEasy to manage random sayings, but unfortunately it’s fallen into the great pits of addon doom :(
Comment by Yuki June 3, 2009 @ 4:25 pm@ Yuki – Not to mention I don’t think SpeakEasy would enable me to say “You’re insufficiently Euphemistic!” only when I’m targeting Hodir.
Comment by Tarsus June 4, 2009 @ 9:00 amI’m not sure if this is more funny to me because I know the people involved or what but.. *wipes tears, giggling*
Comment by Seri June 11, 2009 @ 2:18 pm